Step Parenting- the "forever" quality
I had this article on my heart for a while and I finally got the opportunity and drive to actually write it all the way out. I think the biggest factor in step parenting that the step family is missing is the "forever" quality. You see, with a bio family, there's an unwritten law that no matter what the children do, no matter what they say, and through it all, the parents will stick by them because they are blood family. In some ways, this also applies the other way around to the parents-- no matter what, the bio children will still love, defend and honor their bio parents, no matter how fucked up their upbringing was because of the unwritten code. Some of this is dictated by culture, some of it by law, and of course the whole "you-look-like-me-you-carry-my-genes-my-history-and-legacy" thing does not hurt in proving my hypothesis. When I'm looking around at the blogs of my fellow stepmoms who feel unappreciated or the stepdads who feel disrespected, I really think that this is the part of the perfect new blended family that we are missing. The "forever" quality of the relationship between your step children, step momma's and step papa's, is where we lack and I'll tell you why:
Let's use the pretend example of a man named Dan. Dan has no children and married a woman named Marta. Marta happens to have 2 kids, 1 pre-teen girl and the other a pre-school age boy (who is also hyperactive). Now, Marta gets pregnant and they have a little boy about a year after they get married. Dan was always nice to Marta's 2 kids, but now that they have a child together the treatment of the 2 older children and the one they have together highlights the difference in how Dan sees his step kids and his bio kid, despite Dan's well-meaning intentions. This is caused by the "forever" quality.
With his older stepchildren, Dan is kind to them more out of respect and love for Marta then from his own affection toward them. The most telling thing that we see is his conditional treatment of his step children. He only responds positively toward them if they are behaving how he wants them to. If his step daughter talks back to him and lashes out because she's going into her teenage years, with hormones doing strange things to her moods and body, he basically just gets irritated with her instead of asking her what else could be the matter because it's out of character for her. If his young step son won't listen to what he's telling him, even though he's told him a handful of times what he needs him to do, he gets punished without a thought into what he's feeling inside or if maybe he isn't truly capable at listening like normal kids because he has undiagnosed ADHD.
But as he grows up, Dan gives so much unconditional love and attentive compassion to his bio son, always having long heart to hearts about what's going on in his world--even when his bio son is being an asshole--how can he be so hard on him, look at that face! He looks just like Dan's father.
But for his 2 step kids, who look and act nothing like Dan, who don't carry his last name, who are a constant reminder of a man they call Dad, who always give him so much trouble and no appreciation, he does not have much compassion--mostly irritation. Their relationship certainly does not have the "forever" quality.
So, step parents, I would venture to say that the missing ingredient to our blended families is the "forever" quality. We need to find commonalities with our little ones that bind us together (I know, you've heard that before. Make memories, right?) and not only that but communicate to them that no matter what they do or say, you will still be there. I would go so far as to say even if you and your partner don't work out, making a mental promise to yourself that you will be available to the child or children if they need you (if that is healthy and appropriate in your situation).
Because the strength of bond between a bio kid and bio parent, beyond being biological, is bound by the promise of always being there no matter what. The thing that causes the most distance and damage in blended families, in my opinion, is the promise of the "maybe-as-long-as-I'm-with-your-mom/dad-i'll-be-in-your-life", or the "I-love-you-as-long-as-you-behave" temporary ineffectual step parent. I know it might be a bit taboo to assert that step families should stick together no matter what, but I truly believe that the "forever" quality is top 3 in why step families have such an alarming rate of breaking up or divorce. Because the basis of family, blended or not, continues to be the simple act of sticking together--and letting your loved ones know you ain't not planning on going anywhere.
Let's use the pretend example of a man named Dan. Dan has no children and married a woman named Marta. Marta happens to have 2 kids, 1 pre-teen girl and the other a pre-school age boy (who is also hyperactive). Now, Marta gets pregnant and they have a little boy about a year after they get married. Dan was always nice to Marta's 2 kids, but now that they have a child together the treatment of the 2 older children and the one they have together highlights the difference in how Dan sees his step kids and his bio kid, despite Dan's well-meaning intentions. This is caused by the "forever" quality.
With his older stepchildren, Dan is kind to them more out of respect and love for Marta then from his own affection toward them. The most telling thing that we see is his conditional treatment of his step children. He only responds positively toward them if they are behaving how he wants them to. If his step daughter talks back to him and lashes out because she's going into her teenage years, with hormones doing strange things to her moods and body, he basically just gets irritated with her instead of asking her what else could be the matter because it's out of character for her. If his young step son won't listen to what he's telling him, even though he's told him a handful of times what he needs him to do, he gets punished without a thought into what he's feeling inside or if maybe he isn't truly capable at listening like normal kids because he has undiagnosed ADHD.
But as he grows up, Dan gives so much unconditional love and attentive compassion to his bio son, always having long heart to hearts about what's going on in his world--even when his bio son is being an asshole--how can he be so hard on him, look at that face! He looks just like Dan's father.
But for his 2 step kids, who look and act nothing like Dan, who don't carry his last name, who are a constant reminder of a man they call Dad, who always give him so much trouble and no appreciation, he does not have much compassion--mostly irritation. Their relationship certainly does not have the "forever" quality.
So, step parents, I would venture to say that the missing ingredient to our blended families is the "forever" quality. We need to find commonalities with our little ones that bind us together (I know, you've heard that before. Make memories, right?) and not only that but communicate to them that no matter what they do or say, you will still be there. I would go so far as to say even if you and your partner don't work out, making a mental promise to yourself that you will be available to the child or children if they need you (if that is healthy and appropriate in your situation).
Because the strength of bond between a bio kid and bio parent, beyond being biological, is bound by the promise of always being there no matter what. The thing that causes the most distance and damage in blended families, in my opinion, is the promise of the "maybe-as-long-as-I'm-with-your-mom/dad-i'll-be-in-your-life", or the "I-love-you-as-long-as-you-behave" temporary ineffectual step parent. I know it might be a bit taboo to assert that step families should stick together no matter what, but I truly believe that the "forever" quality is top 3 in why step families have such an alarming rate of breaking up or divorce. Because the basis of family, blended or not, continues to be the simple act of sticking together--and letting your loved ones know you ain't not planning on going anywhere.
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